They say the first step in the road to recovery is to admit you have a problem. So today I'm acknowledging I have an issue: I'm an overcommitter, a "no" phobic, suffering under super mom delusions. I'm not content with just raising four spunky little boys, I add and I add, until my dance card is bursting. Then, I watch as things begin to crumble: housework, cooking, personal hygiene, mental health, and on and on.
First, the fractures are purely internal, undetected by the naked eye. Things appear peaceful on the surface. I'm juggling it all while maintaing a permagrin. But the underlying stress begins to boil to the surface, and the outpouring isn't pleasant. It manifests itself in a fussy, tense, quarrelsome mama, with immediate family bearing the brunt of the beast.
Right now, I'm in the midst of my addiction. My plate is overflowing, and cascading down the sides. Unfortunately, I feel like my internal boiling is beginning to scald the kids. Today, I actually caught myself at bedtime shouting, "Just pray already." Even as I said it, I knew something was wrong.
So after November 2nd, when several commitments come to an end, I'm giving myself permission to say "no." I'm resolving to simplify and reduce. I'm ready to go into recovery, and at least I've taken the first step. (Of course, I could always use and accountability partner or two!)