Today, we jump started our renovation by selecting new bedding and matching twin lamps. Our former khaki colored duvet and shams have been replaced by sunshine yellow toile bedding paired with a white (yes, WHITE) duvet. Two new crystal lamps, crowned with charcoal shades, flank the bed. It's as if an iota of femininity and hint of charm has infused the room.
Today, I was thinking about mommy guilt....something I can relate to just a little bit. I think mommy guilt began when each boy was just an embryo. I fretted over all the usual stuff:
1) Am I eating the right things?
2) Did I get enough rest?
3) Should I really be shoveling snow/ mowing the yard/ doing pilates/ and on and on.
I thought this anxiety would go away once I laid eyes on each beautiful baby. But, it only intensified.
I think once I had four children, the biggest source of mommy guilt is not having the time I wanted for each and every child. If only I had more than one lap, multiplying hands, unlimited time. But, the reality is, one mom to four boys means time and attention has to been rationed and divided by four.
Today that guilt swept over me. The battery died in my car this morning, thanks to my sweet neighbor (Jay Hermacinski!) the car was up and running within the half an hour. While I was aiding the car jump, Collin clutched my side and shivered in the freezing outdoor temps (he refused to go inside!). He began to cry and continued to wail until we got to school. I handed him to his teacher as he was still weeping.
I left the class, then glanced through the window. His teacher clutched him in her lap, rocking him back and forth as he cuddled her chest. I knew I couldn't stay, but I felt that mommy guilt...leaving him in tears, not having enough time to console him and rock him in my arms, wishing I had attention to spare.