Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A very un-fine day

The boys discovered hair gel last night. Connor's hair creation.

A church acquaintance read my recent article about Asperger's. She said, "It's a testament to you that you didn't talk about it all the time."

I've reflected on her words plenty the last several days. She's right; I've tried not to unload all my woes on the masses. I've smiled. I've make pleasantries. I've given the perfunctory "I'm fine" reply when asked. Isn't it amazing how those two little words can ooze out of your mouth at the same time every fiber of your being is so very un-fine.

This afternoon, I had plenty of un-fine moments. It all started in Caleb's fitness class. He entered the class so well. From the parent viewing area, I watched Caleb smiling as he tumbled and jumped. Feeling confident, I retreated to a couch and nestled in with a book. A few minutes later, I was summoned to the floor. Caleb erupted in an unexplained meltdown followed by his new "flight" response.

I watched as Caleb darted from the floor to the parent viewing area. A mass of teachers took chase, followed by me clad in a sundress and flip flops. A speedy teacher caught up, and tackled him to the floor. He wailed and thrashed. After much cajoling and soothing, he begrudgingly left the building. I held his arm and gathered up whatever dignity I still could muster as we made our exit.

The rest of the evening whizzed by in a blur of difficulty. I do remember Caleb chanting, "You don't care."

Actually, I think I may care a little too much.

Tonight, I took up "flight." I pulled on my running shoes and raced around the block. I was hoping with each stride, my cares would float away.

As I neared home, I wondered if I should have run faster since my cares never left; they lingered, burned and engulfed me. I guess when you hold cares so dear to your heart, they don't fly off so easily.

By the time I returned, Caleb slumbered. Tomorrow we'll start anew. I'm hoping everything goes fine...truly fine.

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